Have you ever loved someone so dearly that you wouldn’t dare pour your heart out to him? Have you thought that perhaps you would find time to tell him one day? One fine day? When you can find the perfect moment and the perfect hour, minute and second of the day? But have you also thought about what if you could not find the right time to tell him how much you really really love him? What if tomorrow never comes...what if you thought the moment was coming for you to be able to shower him with love but all of a sudden, he leaves you. He leaves you all alone in this ruthless world, struggling with yourself and others. This is a mistake that many others have made over the past years and people being people, they don’t learn from their mistakes. Or do they?
I’m speaking based on my experience over the past 26 years. But yet, I did not learn from the past. I should have but I did not. Perhaps, I was too stubborn or too arrogant to look back at the past or could it be that I just wanted to leave the past behind so quickly that I just had to let it go.
First was the passing of my grandmother. Well, I wasn’t by her side during the last few moments and during those times when she cooked, cleaned and taught me, I can honestly tell you that I wasn’t the most obedient person you can think of. I was mean. Yup, I said it. When I was younger, perhaps schooling years, I was a mean person. I would kick, yell and fight just for the simplest mistakes. But of course during those times, I never thought that I would look back many years later and regret what I did. I mean, not to say that I regret on my actions way back but I just regretted not being able to tell her how much I had loved her during those times. When she was still here, she would take care of me without complaining a bit, so much that I was so fond of her. She was really my saviour at that time, especially when my parents hit me for no apparent reason. She would rather be the one who was hit and all those years, I let her take it without feeling sorry. Was I that cruel way back then? Was I? Perhaps I was stupid when young. I didn’t care about others around me. Just as long as someone was willing to be the scape goat, I was happy. Yeah, that was me way back then. My grandma was a smoker when she was alive. She would buy boxes of cigarettes and stock them in her drawer before my mum finds out. Otherwise, she would hit her again. At that time, I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why granny was being hit just for buying a pack of cigarette. I didn’t bother to protect her at that time because I had a very arrogant attitude then. But as years go by, by the time I graduated from high school and completed my A-Levels, my grandma begged me to study in KL. She advised me to go as far as I could. Leave this family, pursue my dreams and to look for my biological parents. But she reminded me to bring her along one day when I’m already successful in life. I had wanted to bring her to KL after graduation in 2007 but she didn’t make it. But the one thing I regret most is that I didn’t have the chance to tell her I was sorry and that I love her. I really love my grandma and I really wished she was here with me right now though I think of her all the time. She’s really close to my heart. She was more than a grandma to me. She was like a mother to me. All the love and things she had given to me. How can I ever repay her for this? By being a better person in life?
I thought that after this incident, I would repent. I would learn from my mistake. I would be more open to people. I should tell them how much I love and appreciate them when they are still around but I guess I never did...
Second was the passing of my favourite uncle just a few weeks ago. It came as a shock to me actually. This uncle was the husband to my 5th aunt and my close cousin. I was really close to them. My cousin would sleep over my home whenever she’s in Penang and we would talk and talk and talk till the cows come home or at least until my mum comes knocking on the door because we were too noisy. And when I first set foot in KL, she was the one who took me around. But when I left the family and after my grandma’s passing, we have never contacted one another. Not until years later, when my another cousin buzz me on msn to inform me that this uncle was sick and diagnosed with cancer and that he was in SJMC. She had urged me to visit him but excuses after excuses were given by me in order to turn down the offer. Its not that I don’t intend to visit him but its just that I was afraid I would run into my old family. I just didn’t want to see them at that time. I guess my anger is still there. And I’m pretty sure that they wouldn’t want to see me as well, now that I have found my biological parents in Perlis. But I did call my aunt and cousin to ask about my uncle then. But still, it came as a shocker that he had suddenly passed. See, another dumb decision made by me. If only I had forced myself to the hospital a month ago, I would have seen him. I would have the opportunity to care for him or at least thanked him for everything he had done for me.
And I thought after another incident, I would have woken up by now. I would have called everyone in my phone book to tell them that I loved them and that I appreciate what they did for me and so on...but I guess...sigh
Third and final one happened yesterday, Saturday, 23rd January 2010. The passing of my best friend and my one and only travel companion, James McCarthy Jr. This was really unexpected and the biggest shocker of all! I almost passed out when I heard the news. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to accept the fact that he was gone forever. And I don’t think I can ever accept the truth that GOD has taken my best friend away from me. I mean, I just spent the last Christmas with James and the last time I saw him was in Brussels, just before I took a flight back to KL. And the last time I spoke to him was on Wednesday, when he told me that he will be following the volunteers at UNICEF to Haiti, to help the children of the quake. And I still remembered saying that he was such an angel and we both laughed at it. At that time he sounded right. He sounded healthy and cheerful. He even told me not to worry about my med check up next month and that everything will be fine. He even joked about our year end trip to Capri and Venice and that we would get married and have kids one day. I never took him seriously and I never knew if he meant what he said. And I guess I will never know for sure if he had a thing for me. James, you’re secret is safely buried with you. But he would never have thought that I actually had feelings for him as well. Yes I have feelings for James. I love his bubbly personality, his charisma and upbringing. I like the way he carries himself and for once, we both share the same passion, which is travelling. He used to advise me on my relationship with Brian. He told me that I should give him a second chance. And that if it didn’t work out, I can come look for him and marry him. Then we would be caught laughing like mad cows. What about now? Who will advise me now? Who am I supposed to look for now? I love him. I really do love him. And I missed him. But now, he will never know how much I loved and missed him. And why? Because I made yet another silly mistake. I didn’t have the courage to tell him when I had the chance. I thought that time will come when it does, I will tell him. But now, time had passed. I am too late. And the photos remain as memories of me and him. The trip to Zurich was our last together. I didn’t predict neither did I want this to happen. 31/12/09 @ 10am – that was the last time I woke up beside him. 11am – that was the last time I had breakfast with him and 02/01/10 – that was the last time I saw him. I missed my friend so very much. I missed everything about him. The times we’ve shared, the joy and laughter and sorrow and tears, pain and glory. We were the perfect couple. But now, I’m like a bird with a broken wing. Helpless. I feel vulnerable again. But no matter what, I know James will protect me from where he is right now.
My dear James, RIP. You’ll always be in my heart. I will always love you....
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